Halves
by CharlotteDove
Summary: This is what Lizzie meant by living a half-life. A celebration of joy and love, leaves Elliot with too much to think about, and even more to miss. His partner.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: I'm not 100% where this came from, I may add one more chapter on. Please let me know what you think :) I've not abandoned Grayed Rainbow, I have been so busy with school and work, and had medical issue on top of everything else. Please enjoy this in the meantime. :) Thanks so much!

He's fifty-four years old and his life's journey is on the downward slope. He's not naïve to anything, anymore. For the middle of September it's unseasonably warm, as the air dances and swirls all around He's got enough regret in one lifetime, where it could swallow him whole if he allowed it. He burns with a desire that is not fully fathomable. Mostly, he aches for a love he's never fully known or understood. He's lived in shadows of it, hidden amongst it, skirted its unyielding flames. He knows this love is out there. He prays to God, on this day, as he gives his youngest daughter away, that she will know, find, and live in the love he knows exists.

Elliot Stabler can hear his two grandchildren yelling in the distance. They are no doubt being instigated, by his youngest son Eli. For every single thing he has done right in the world, every joy has brought him to this place, to another wedding, another celebration. He's a lucky bastard, he thinks.

Lizzie's wedding is much simpler than her sisters. It's everything romance and flowers, but not too over the top. She never cared for designer anything. The thought of rain does not even faze the youngest Stabler daughter. She's contented with her happiness. She earnestly believes that it will be okay, rain or no rain. _When a love feels this right, nothing can get in the way_. There is no fussing, no nervousness.

Elliot is consistently more aware of his age these days. The early morning hours remind his knees of pain. His runs are shorter, hair greyer. Mostly, since he's left the force, there is a peace about himself that everyone has noticed. Elliot's current work keeps him busy, and he is making a difference in some way, but he's less scarred physically and emotionally. His soul bleeds less. He will never apologize for that part.

His deep charcoal grey suit fits his muscled frame a bit too well. His blue eyes shimmer with pride, as he watches his Lizzie fixing her fair. The span of diapers to college graduate, to giving his last daughter away, steals his breath away from him.

"Daddy, please tell me you're allergic to all the flowers, and not already crying?" She looks up, all he sees is her five years old, and painting on the living room walls.

Elliot smiles then, because it's the only thing left he can do in the moment.

"No baby, never been allergic do those damn flowers, just to giving my girls away."

"Daddy, I need to know before we go out there, before you give me away, have you ever been in love before?" Her face is serious as he's ever seen.

"Lizzie, honey. It's okay to be nervous. Greg, is an amazing guy. I've seen the way you two look at each other, you're in love."

She stops for a minute. Her wedding is twenty minutes, and in forty-five minutes she won't be Stabler anymore.

"Yeah I know. I'm not talking about me. I asked you a question though."

Elliot Stabler suddenly remembers how warm the September heat is, and how ridiculously tight his suit feels. He made a promise to himself, eight years ago to stop lying to those he loved. He's a coward if he starts today, at his daughter's wedding.

"Yeah, Lizzie. I've been in love before." The truth settles on the outside, it hurts so much more. It's so visceral and unexpected.

"Look, I know the divorce was a few years ago, and it probably hurt you more than I realized. I'm so sorry for that. I loved your mother, I really did."

Lizzie spins around quickly. Her dress flows with her; she's a force when she wants to be.

"I'm talking about the kind where the two of you can be in the same room with fifteen other people, and you just find her eyes immediately. Or you know exactly what she is thinking, before she even has to open her mouth. Where she is the first person you want to call when the good shit happens, and she's the safe place for all the bad stuff too. She challenges you, makes made mad, and crazy, but mostly happy. And you would do anything at all for her, ever, even if she never asked. I'm not naïve, it's not all fireworks, but those have to be there too. All of it, the good and the bad. That's the love, I'm talking about, Daddy. So I will ask you again, have you ever been in love?"

"Lizzie, what is all this about? What is the sudden interest in my life?"

"Because, Daddy. I'm about to take vows to a man I love with everything in me. And I need you to be okay." Tears are pooling in her eyes.

"Yes." He answers the question truthfully. "But Lizzie, I look at life differently than you. The love you talk about isn't something everyone has all of the time, love changes. People grow apart, look at your mother and I…"

"Jesus, daddy. Has the eight years changed your love at all?" She's stunned him. She can still hear her two nieces playing in the distance.

"What did you say?" Because it can't be right, it can't.

"I love you more than anything Daddy, but I never understood it. But now with Greg, I get it. But please don't lie to me, or lie to yourself, and pretend that are not in love with Olivia."

Elliot has been treading water for years in his own life. It's comfortable and peaceful. There was never a reason to rock the boat. Yet, his only living regret has just been called out by his youngest daughter. It feels like a fresh stab wound, like he's been unmasked for the entire world to see. Some secrets, were meant to stay secret he reckons.

"If this weren't your wedding right now, I swear to God." He's so angry right now. How dare she bring this shit to light right now? The only other person who would dare such a thing, well he closed her off long ago.

"See, there's the father I used to know. I know it's not particularly my business, but no one calls you on your shit anymore. Olivia was the only one, the only one. What I don't get Dad, is why you're okay with living this half-life." She's purposely bating him right now, it reminds him of yesteryear.

"Lizzie you have no idea what you're talking about. This is no half-life either. "

"Fine, but it's not a full life either." With that she walks out of the room, leaving his world turned upside down.

Two hours later, he holds her close during the father daughter dance.

"I remember when we used dance you would hold my hands, step on my feet on purpose, when you where a little girl. At least I'm a better dancer now." Lizzie laughs into his shoulder.

"I love you, you know. I'm sorry about earlier, I want a chance for you to be happy, you'd want that for me too." Everything about her statement is true, he feels each word, and wears it heavily.

"I know Lizzie, it's just not so simple. I haven't spoken to Olivia in eight years, since I left. I can't just show up and tell her how I feel."

Her smile is radiant. "So you finally admit it. And yes, you can just show up and tell her how you feel."

"You don't know Benson, like I do." _Like I used to. _

There song is slowly ending.

"Lizzie, thank you for being brave, even if nothing comes of it. You're a beautiful bride, and an amazing human being. I love you so much." He kisses her temple, like when she was a little girl.

"Oh Daddy, I love you too. You're not hopeless you know. She will be mad as hell at first, but anything wonderful is worth fighting for, remember that."

Greg walks toward them, "mind if I cut in?"

"Not at all. She's a handful. Welcome to the family son." He touches Greg on the back, as he walks away with his own thoughts.

The wedding is winding down, and the night has been beautiful. Clouds periodically cover the crescent moon.

"Richard says he's impressed with my haul, says he better get this much cash at this wedding."

Elliot rolls his eyes. If Kathy were right there he would make a joke about needing to raise him better.

"You haven't even opened your cards yet, and if your brother thinks he's getting married for the haul, Lord help us all."

Lizzie looks around to make sure no one else is around. "Daddy, come walk with me for a minute please." She leads him down the path toward the half dilapidated gazebo.

"Don't freak out on me, I would have already told you if I knew anything, and wouldn't just spring this on you, but…" Lizzie's nervous chatter reminds him her teenage years when she tried to get out of a punishment.

"Oh, just tell me already."

"Well, technically I invited Olivia to my wedding." Silence.

"You what?"

"Let me explain." He's a reasonable man, sometimes. He can listen to her. "So I was 99% percent she would never come, but I didn't think she would send me a letter."

"Can I?" Suddenly he's more connected than he's been in nearly eight years. He just wants to see her handwriting, like she's alive in an old case file.

"No Dad, it's personal, she asked me not to." It is as bad as feared. "But, I have her address. She asked about you. She misses you."

Elliot knows he is not getting the entire gist of the letter, but trusts his daughter, that there is a reason.

"Lizzie, it's not black and white. I can't just waltz back into her life after 8 years, I have no right."

"You had no right to waltz out her life before, so how is this any different?"

"Lizzie, I'm warning you. You don't know what happened. I love you, but there are things, that as my daughter you will never get to know. You need to trust me here. Life is not that simple." His voice is thick with love and regret.

"I know, but I also know when you love someone, all the other shit fades away. Maybe not right away, but it can." She's so serious and sincere; he almost wants to believe her.

"Don't say anything more, just think of all the reasons why you love her. You love her still. After you do that the rest is easy. I have to go find my husband." She floats away almost like she was never there.

_You love her still. _He's not sure how one night can rattle him so thoroughly, but it has. Suddenly, Olivia Benson is everywhere, invading every thought he has.

Twenty years come and go, two decades. She may hate him, but she does miss him, this much he knows. It's all he has to go on for right now.

He thinks of her unfortunate haircuts through the years, or about how she looked when her fell in eyes when first woke up the crib. He remembers the waves she tries hard to blowout, that come out in the rain, and when came back from Oregon. He thinks of all the shades of brown, carmel, and mocha, and how he just wanted to run his fingers through her hair. To him it was always beautiful, because it was hers. A smile comes to his face when he remembers them laughing in squad car about how her had looked years before, she had overheard a uniform say she looked Velma the cartoon character from Scooby Doo. She laughed so hard that day, she nearly spit out her coffee.

He thinks about her gold necklaces, and wonders what she wears now. Her Lotus flower, from darkness comes light. He remembers the story of they can grow anywhere, including the mud. Fearlessness. The word that embodies Olivia Benson.

Elliot wonders if she ever got to become a mother. He remembers the pain in her eyes when the state said she couldn't adopt, and how damned wrong they were. This is one thing he wanted the most for her, and except her never shared that with her.

He thinks about she would be the most gorgeous person in the room, but in such an understated way. Any person who witnessed a true Benson smile or heard her really laugh, had no idea how lucky of a bastard they were. She shined because of her soul and tenacity for justice.

He thinks about how annoyingly stubborn she was. When she believed in something or in someone, she went after it with such gusto; it was really incredible he thinks.

He remembers their fights, and silences, and tangles with justice. The cases they closed together. The fucking lives changed, almost always bettered. He was only part of a man, part of a detective without her.

This is what Lizzie meant by half-life. Alone in the darkened gazebo he finally lets the tears silently fall.

It's nearly midnight, if he has any sense about him he would wait to call her, or write her. But he's never been that sensible when it came to Olivia. He's up and leaving the wedding before he realizes.

Kathy and Maureen yell out to him. Lizzie knows exactly where he is going. "God damned fool, couldn't wait till the morning." She laughs and smiles at the same time. Sometimes things are that simple.


	2. Better

Part 2 of 2. I could do a third, but I think this is good way to end it. Please let me know what you think! Thanks so much for all reviews from the first part, it's greatly appreciated. Happy New Year!

As he counts the miles toward her, he counts all the things that led him away from her. He promptly punched the address Lizzie gave him into his GPS, with little regard to the outcome. As the minutes tick by, he realizes it was the best coping mechanism of all. He has half a mind to turn around. The sheer lunacy is not lost on him. Elliot has little way of a plan, and not much to say to her.

Other than the blessed truth.

As the country roads meander, Elliot's curiosity piques about Olivia's life. He left the outskirts of the city miles ago. He left the rest of his sanity minutes ago as well. She is leading a separate life away from the city that brought them together, and tore them apart at the same time. It was home to her soul for so long, he wonders what could have possibly brought her here.

Fifty nine minutes north, he settles into a small town called Mahopac. Population less than 10,000. There is not much to the town. Except there is, _your truth north. _Elliot pulls his car into a closed gas station, needing several minutes to think, or maybe just to breathe, or both. While pure adrenaline and whimsical thoughts spurred on by his youngest daughter have lead him this far, he needs to get a grip.

It does not take much time to realize that showing up at her house at 1:30am, might not be the best plan. He'll take his chances with the morning sun. He's never seen a sunset with Olivia that was not tainted with blood from a crime scene. The small nuances of a day that escaped him for twelve years, he wants to go back with her and relive all of them. Just to have more of her, or any of her.

Elliot wants to learn about her again. He's always played it safe, and close to the vest as his mother would say. While that got him through life just fine, he never got to soar where dreams do.

He finally manages to find an all night diner just on outskirts of town. It's a hole in the wall kind of place, where everyone probably knows everyone else's business. His waitress tried in vain to make conversation with him, but Elliot barely grumbled. She finally took the hint, and left him alone with his thoughts and endless amounts of coffee.

The coffee is god-awful. Normally, he would have sent it back and requested a fresh pot be made. But the stale and bitter taste remind of precinct days, when they all had no choice but to drink Munch's endless cups of sludge. The booth seats are sticky too, with grime and old syrup from pancakes no one can seem to finish. He can still see two year old Eli, with syrup everywhere. Olivia had tried in earnest to clean syrup off of Eli, in the process she managed to get the sticky substance all over her blue paisley shirt and arms. Her laugh had been so rich and vibrant, she made Eli giggle. Even rarer, Elliot had a smile so big; it reached the wrinkles by his blue eyes.

It takes his breath away, at complete and random times, that he finds Olivia in the most menial tasks.

He hears her long before he can see her. Elliot stops dead in his tracks, he relishes these few uninterrupted seconds. Her voice is every single thing he remembers. It's the angry voice mails, all night stakeouts, her words dripping with drowsiness and heartache. When Olivia would become so quiet while talking with the victims; she inspired trust, at times instantly. She always had a purpose for talking, he wasn't always listening. He remembers so clearly how she would say "I'm fine." Except she hardly ever was. Elliot wants to ask her about this someday soon.

Her laugh. She's laughing hysterically at something. A grown man of 54 wonders how he can compare it to dripping honey. Elliot begins to walk toward her laugh, he's swallowed up in her aura already and he has yet to lay eyes on her. He's royally fucked.

"Mommy, you need to throw it better. Or we will never get it." Equal fits of laughter.

Elliot's heart melts. Mommy.

By the time he reaches the fence, he's long forgotten the eight years that have come and gone.

"I'm pretty certain you're supposed to hit the ball."

Her body stills in less than a second. Old reflexes die hard. She's back out in the field with him, they are walking in sync, because how could they not. They always knew when they were in immediate danger, when they had to become absolutely still.

"Hello, Olivia." She's so caught off guard, a simple hello seems painful.

"Hey Mister. I'm Noah. Who are you and what do you want?" Of course her son is a straight shooter.

Olivia is protected by eight years. Before Noah came along to bless her life, Olivia had managed to compartmentalize Elliot into a neat cardboard box in her brain. As a resilient spirit as she is, there is only so much hurting a person can endure before they want to close up shop and move along. She wanted to desperately hate Elliot, because hate was something she could hang onto, it was a deep and visceral thing. In the end, hate is something is she aligns with criminals, death, and unnecessary pain in the world.

At different points she imagined a reunion of sorts, but not now, and certainly not like this. It's been years since she's thought of him showing up at her apartment out of blue, like an apparition in her dreams or nightmares.

Years ago Olivia would have gotten a twisted sense of satisfaction out of feeling the sting of her palm connecting with the flesh of his cheek. But years have passed, and she's changed, and nothing is the same.

Olivia's dressed comfortably for a Sunday morning. Her hair is half up in a twisted bun, with a few wayward strands framing her face. Yoga pants and a loose fitting sweatshirt were a perfect choice for playing T-ball in the yard with her son. She's certainly aged since Elliot last left her in the 16 precinct, but she wears her years with a grace and beauty that cannot be matched by people who are countless years younger than her.

"I asked Lizzie not to show you that letter Elliot, but let me guess you had to read it anyways?"

"She definitely would not let me see your letter, she kept her promise." His words fall quietly, briefly wondering why it was so easy for his daughter to keep a promise to Olivia, but how he could not do so.

"Mommy, who is this man?" Noah walks over and steps in front Olivia, dropping his baseball glove. He's five years old, but he's a fierce Benson.

"Noah, remember when I told you I used to be a police officer in the city? Well this is Elliot, he was my partner for a long time."

"Hi Noah, I'm Elliot. It's nice to meet you." Elliot puts out his hand to shake Noah's hand.

"Excuse me, I'm using my nice manners on you, but my mommy and I were having lots and lots of fun, and then you got here. She's doesn't seem like she wants you here." Noah starts to walk away, as Elliot visibly bristles.

There are long moments that stretch out before them; it's the equivalent of the longest ride home, and shortest trip down the ravine. He has a lifetime of regret living inside of him, and he has only minutes to make it into something salvageable.

_How did it all come to this? How did we break so much of this?_

Olivia is busy painting a vivid picture of him; she wants to remember him on her terms. Not surrounded by the death of a fourteen old, or blood on the floor the new precinct that never felt like home. _When Elliot leaves again, for the last time, this is how I will remember him. _ It is easy to pretend that his mere presence has no visual effect on her; she had mastered that skill for over twelve years. It was only after his sudden departure, that her body was incapable of being deceitful. Olivia physically ached when he vanished. The one thing she promises to commit to memory are all the blues in his eyes. After so many months and years his eyes were _only blue, _no other adjectives were adequate, it was always easier not to remember.

Noah's marching around brings them back from the haze of regret. Noah will always be her center.

Elliot gaze is heavy and tense. The words will never be right enough, but Lord knows they have to try, because he wants more than a mere existence.

He coughs nervously. "So Liv, I guess I should have called or something. But I was afraid you would hang up, so I drove here on a whim."

"Look, I don't know what you want from me. But this isn't going to happen in front of my son." Olivia's voice is thick with warning, but her eyes shine from unshed tears.

"Noah honey, can you go inside for a little while? You can even watch part of the movie we rented last night. I won't be too long, I just need to talk to my friend Elliot for a bit."

"Okay Mommy, but don't take too long, I don't want you to miss the part where Dustin saves them all."

She rubs his brown head of hair. Being his mother is like breathing; it's her essence and life's purpose.

Nothing about the morning had gone according to plan. Elliot and Olivia had successfully avoided killing each other; they had also avoided any real conversation. Out of all the words, sentences, and paragraphs Elliot had planned in his head, nothing significant had transpired yet. He's beginning to think that coming to see Olivia was a mistake. That their relationship is too far gone, too mangled for any repair.

Olivia is blessedly happy with Noah. Maybe that's all Elliot can hope for. Except, he's always been a selfish bastard with her, and he's not done yet. He's just shit with words right now. He reckons he always will be to, in spite of the years of therapy he's attended.

Noah is a whirlwind of energy and a tremendous buffer. He warmed up to Elliot rather quickly and their conversation wasn't nearly as strained. Noah keeps the chatter up with Olivia and Elliot separately. For as much as she wants Elliot to stay, she needs him to return his normal life. This chasm seems to be growing bigger, not smaller.

Noah is drawing designs in the dirt with a stick. He's really making a mess of the newly planted grass from this year, but Olivia could care less right now. Elliot and Olivia are each sitting on a swing on Noah's swing set. The seats are hardly comfortable, and their bodies are too old to be sitting this long, but really, who should be comfortable at a time like this? Olivia is busy looking at the ground as she drags her feet over well-worn ground from Noah's swing.

"I almost lost him, more than once. I couldn't bear it…" Her voice is lost amongst the creaking of the swing. She's always been the stronger one, so she continues.

"Do you have any idea what is like to almost lose someone who means the world to you?"

_I do, I do know._ _I've known for eight years. _He wants to say.

She's openly crying now. "I was CO for quite awhile at SVU, and he had so many medical issues. It was a constant battle. I always knew where my heart was, but I had to be somewhere else. They brought me before the judge, before I adopted him and questioned my abilities as a mother, and my love for him. What kind of mother wouldn't be at the hospital for him?"

Elliot takes her hand, making a small circle with his thumb on her palm. It tickles her, and reminds her of who this man once was to her. This is their first physical contact, the first part of the way home.

"Oh Liv, I'm sure you did everything you possibly could."

She sighs. "That's just it. I did everything I could, every single day and it was never enough. The victims still piled up, the blood still spilled out and that was just the police work. There was my little Noah, in foster care he had a history of rib fractures. He ended up with complicated asthma, may or may not be related."

"Then one day during a really high profile case, the shit hit the fan. Noah had a really bad asthma attack, and I was in charge of three borough man-hunt for some sicko. Tell me how I had to chose, how I had to send my nanny to the ICU, while I tried to find a bastard who didn't have the decency to care about another human being?"

"I realized that night at the hospital that I could never make that decision again. I walked away from a career that was my life for than 16 years, I never looked back either."

Elliot has so many questions for her. "Do you miss it?"

"Yes and no. SVU gave me the best things in my life, but it also brought the worst, and it constantly ate away at my soul. So I miss aspects of it, but I don't miss the job. Do you miss it?

"No."

"Why does that not surprise me? Why are you here Elliot?"

"Look Liv, I'm not good at this, at all. It's been years, and I have no real right to be here, I just…"

"Honestly, Elliot I'm over it. I mourned you and us. I'm happy now, isn't that enough?"

"It should be, but I was talking to Lizzie and for the first time in years I was completely honest with myself. I know it was a rhetorical question before, but you asked if I ever knew what it was like to lose someone who means the world to you, and I do know exactly what that feels like."

She had planned on practicing t-ball with her son today, not sorting out her former best friend's life. Olivia yearns for a simplistic Sunday, without the pain of Elliot.

"I heard about the divorce, I'm sorry about that."

"My god, you really are clueless aren't you?" Elliot disbands from the creaky swing.

"Mommy, can Elliot stay for dinner?" Noah walks back over from his designs on the ground.

"No honey, I think he has plans already. But you and I can get our favorite tonight. Why don't you go inside for a few minutes and draw Elliot a picture?"

"Okay, I'm gonna make a train with a caboose." Noah runs off with a dash of excitement.

Full name basis, "Olivia, I'm not talking about Kathy and you know it."

"Don't presume to know anything about me anymore. Things are different, I'm different."

"Christ Liv. Don't you think I fucking get that? I can see how different your life is. You're a mother. Out of everything, it's the one thing I had hoped for you. I always knew how amazing you'd be." His voice falls off, he's quickly losing confidence.

Elliot's turned around, so he's not facing her. In a whisper, "it's beautiful."

His sincerity stuns her. They have no idea how to talk to each other anymore.

"Did you say it's beautiful?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Okay then. I don't know what to say to that Elliot."

"Um, yeah you don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. Liv, I miss you."

"For a long time, I was really mad at you. But after everything that happened with Noah, I realized we aren't guaranteed one more single day here and we need to make the most of each day. Along the way, I stopped hating you, and forgave you. But for twelve years you were my best friend Elliot. You've been gone for eight. How do you explain that?

"Liv, I don't know that I can yet, at least not fully, not all of it."

"That's really cryptic."

"No, just being honest. I promised, no more lies, even to myself."

"El, I miss you too."

The way back home is never easy, especially when no one knows where home actually is. You can have a road map and a compass and still become lost in each other.

Three hours later Elliot managed to stay for dinner, macaroni and cheese, a Noah Benson request. Olivia is washing dishes, while Elliot is playing _Trouble,_ the board game with Noah. It would be so easy to get caught up in this slice of domestic serenity. If something is too easy or feels too right, Olivia is used to it being dead wrong. It so rarely works out in her favor, with the miraculous exception of Noah.

"Elliot, I got all of my red pieces around. I won. Mommy, I won!" Noah gets up and walks into the galley kitchen.

"Oh good. I'm glad someone beat Elliot." Olivia laughs, and she feels a bit lighter.

The hours have ticked by, this isn't over by a long shot, but the day can only hold so much.

His proximity is a dangerous and heady thing. Olivia's doing dishes, but feels him behind her and all around her. His strength will stay behind, even after he drives south, he owes her that much.

Olivia turns around, underestimating Elliot's exact location. They still aren't Benson and Stabler; they cannot sense each other without words, like eight years ago. He's too close. When Olivia looks into his eyes again, it's with the thought she is memorizing the all of the colors, so she will never forget. She knows what leaving is like, and wants no part of it.

"You're the only adult I know who can get macaroni in their hair." Elliot uses his thumb and forefinger to remove a small piece of noodle from Olivia's hair. Most of her hair is still swept up in frenzied bun, with several pieces framing either side of her face.

"El.."

"You're so Goddamned beautiful Liv, always have been."

Olivia's breath hitches, and falters. She can feel her own heart beating.

Elliot presses his lips to her temple, and nothing more. Not tonight. Every minute that he has spent with her today, feels like a minute toward their next twenty years. Nothing is perfect, nothing is settled yet. When he looks into her eyes Elliot sees a world beyond a simple existence, it's the kind of world where he wants to live in it fully each and every day.


End file.
